Castle Shopping, but Make It Michigan (and Then… France and Italy)

I made a 1 minute and 11 second video that starts with a very real thought I’ve had more than once:

“I should be responsible.”…and then immediately:“Wait. A CASTLE?”

So here we go — three “castles,” three countries, three wildly different levels of commitment. We start in Michigan, pivot to France for the “this might actually be doable” option, and end in Italy where the listing basically says “Price on request” and I remember I order water at restaurants.

Castle #1: Allegan, Michigan — Secret-Passage Energy

First stop: Allegan, Michigan.

This is a castle-style home that checks the boxes your brain doesn’t need but desperately wants:

• About 7,500 square feet

• 59+ acres

• Secret passageways

• A tower spiral staircase

• An elevator

• Four fireplaces

It’s the kind of place where you don’t say “I’ll be right back.”You say, “I’m heading to the west wing,” like you’re in a show you definitely didn’t audition for.

And honestly, this is why castle-style properties are so fun: they’re not just houses. They’re story generators. Every detail feels like it came with a backstory.

Castle #2: Saint-Lizier, France — “Château Spreadsheet”

Then we hop across the ocean to Saint-Lizier, France — and this is the one that gets you thinking dangerous thoughts like:

“We could actually do this.”

This château is around:

• 2,282 square feet

• 5 bedrooms

• Views (the kind you pretend wouldn’t change your personality)

• And, importantly… it has an elevator

This is the “romantic in theory” castle. The one where you picture slow mornings and fresh bread… while also quietly Googling:

“How much is roof stuff?”“What is a stone wall supposed to feel like?”“Do French contractors hate me personally?”

This is why we named it Château Spreadsheet.Because if you buy this one, you’re not just buying charm — you’re buying a new hobby called budgeting.

Castle #3: Torre Alfina, Italy — Fortress Mode

And now we finish in Italy with Torre Alfina — a castle with origins as a 7th-century fortress.

This is where the scale stops feeling like “home” and starts feeling like “municipality.”

We’re talking:

• Around 53,820 square feet

• 25 bedrooms

• 15 bathrooms

• And the price is… on request

That’s when I remembered:Josh, you order water at restaurants.

This isn’t “Should we get a home warranty?” big.This is “Do we have staff? Do we have a staff manager?” big.

I would last about 48 hours before I started carrying a clipboard and saying things like, “We need to circle back on the courtyard.”

Okay, but… which one are you picking?

This is the part I love: castles are ridiculous, but they also make the choice really clear.

• If you want the American dream with medieval flair, it’s Michigan.

• If you want the realistic European fantasy (and you’re brave), it’s France.

• If you want to live inside a legend — and also inside a budget bracket I do not occupy — it’s Italy.

Vote time

If you had to choose one:1) Michigan Castle2) Château Spreadsheet (France)3) Fortress Mode (Italy)

Drop your pick in the comments wherever you saw the video — and if you’re feeling ambitious, name your castle. Because honestly, if you buy a tower, you owe it to everyone.